That's a dark secret you should keep! Your dog is the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

hey

thanks for concerm

my computers broke

im at work now so have to rush off

hope your ok!

miss you lot lots :(

xxxxxxxxxx

YAY !!!!  PICTURES!  I LOVE PICTURES!

You are so frickin' pretty!  I love your kitty :-)  I'm not much of a dog person, but Dax is darn cute!  You are so lucky!!  I loooooove the Far Side.  Kick-ass Christmas present... I'm jealous!

-Alisha-

Hey -

White russians are f***ing great!!

I know, 800 entries! It's been a few years. Three or four, with this diary, and I had a previous one for a year or so, maybe more.

I'm keeping myself away from the fridge right now!!!!!!!!! Thanks for your comment, I'm glad I'm not the only one to freak out about bikini parties.

Ash

You're gorgeous! 

Shawn found my diary once a long time ago and read that I was cheating on him... terrible situation, really.  I was extremely stupid.  That was the worst night of my life.  Since then, I have changed my diary to semi-private, meaning only people that I've listed as my favorites can read it, and I keep my list pretty limited.  I don't usually add any more people to my favorites, unless they have entries in their diary.  I'm paranoid, too.

Also, I think once Shawn found a comment I left on someone else's diary that said something about me sleeping with the cook I was working with (this is while Shawn and I were separated) and he confronted me about it.  sh*tty deal.  So now I keep my favorites list private, too.

-Alisha-

Hey -

You're really cute! Thanks for the picture.

That username spells 'meadow' backwards (I think. Lol). Does that mean anything to you?

I have an ex-friend of mine who used to read my diary, he made an account here to read my diary, even though he didn't need to make one to get to my entries. I knew it was him because of the username, and there were no entries.

That said, I have other people who have no entries, but seem to have made an account simply to read other diaries and comment.

Ash

Hey -

Don't feel bad for missing an entry, I am updating a lot lately.

I'm definately excited to cut it off, and if it doesn't work out, you're right, it will grow back. My hair grows really quickly, too, it was shoulder length only 2 or 2.5 years ago.

Ash

Hey I inspired an entry I feel all special now.

But seriously it sounds a pretty scare place to live, it's a shame we can't live in a world where everyone is treated equally and where we can all shop happilly on amazon

Glad Ben's talking to someone... last couple of times I have talked to him it's aparrent he has changed a lot, atleast to me. You and Jace have been together for three years? makes me wonder if we ever grow out of the confusion state haha.

Makala,

I love Dexter! And I love Buffy also I had a crush On Sarah Michelle Gellar, there's something sexy about a girl that can kick monster butt. I was so glad when they brought it back in comic book form for season eight. Yeah I should just probably get Uber Geek tattooed on my forehead.

And I'm moving into a room I'm renting on Saturday, the 3rd time I've moved in 3 years, the sacrifices I make to be successful. And how did you manage to get up at 4? I haven't been able to get up that early since I was 14.

thank you for my comment,

Hope everything gets back on track C.

thanks hun i defiantly hate my tummy though. it's to big.

if you have dark hair, when you diy highlight it will turn orange. i have darker hair, i always do my own. don't lay down when you have highlight in, the bleach can bleed into other sections if it is pressed or smashed. i always leave bleach[hair dye,hightlight stuff] in for at least an hour, some say you can leave it in for 1hr 3min. the longer you leave it in the whiter it gets. it will also be less orange that way. sometimes it'll be a yellowish color, if you don't really like that they have shampoo to take the "brass"ness out of blond hair. it works. you said yours is yellow now, so what i'd do is go get a medium or gold blond color, it can be light blond as well, just not BLEACH. the basic shampoo in color, it should take very well now that you've got it to the yellow stage. i've been doing my own hair since age 9, i've had it every color possible just about. i also do my own cuts a well. i'd love to go into the business, but don't think it'd make enough money. i think it'd be fun as a side job though.

good luck

-Juli

Booooo for men who can't help their sick ladies! Maybe you guys can order pizza.

Is it winter over there? Is it cold enough for snow ever?

Well, is he jealous of your bear, afraid he might get more attention than you?  Sounds like a bit of a problem to me, but hey, who knows.  Thanks for the comment and we'll talk more soon.

-mib

[mib2you]

haha

tell him he didnt discover them

i did ;)

Lovess

xxxx

WOW! Africa? I have always wanted to go to Africa there's some people from our church that are missionaries and they actually moved to Africa. I'm not sure where though Their names are Steve and Jennifer Mcmichael They have been there for a long time...

Thanks for the comment! It made me smile.  And I know how you feel about the cold, it's absolutely pouring rain here and it's freezing. I'm like, "This is supposed to be July?"

Anyway, take care of yourself!

S

I hate the dentist I never go if I can help it I've been twice in the last 5 years to have teeth out. But that's as a last resort I broke a tooth and waited 5 years before the pain got to much and I had to have it out. I tried doing it myself first but it didn't work. And the last time I had a tooth out the dentist was a psycho. Good luck with that.

My girlfriend doesn't like taking me to the grocery store because I make children cry and say rude things to stupid people that get in my way

oooic mybad
its summer here but like 60 degrees
but im going tomorrow before work. which is gonna be very very nerve racking
and if i am im making an appt becaue i cannot have this constant reminder that will further more ruin my life because of some assfvck.
i dont know what to do with me
i cant do counseling tho...i dont want to have to pay someone to listen to me
i think that that is bogus. i used to have to see one and sh*t
but i cant do that again
take care and thank you for ur comment
sammi

its summer but its freezing

i hate that!!
sorry ur irriated with jace
taek care
sammi

Oh, Thanks! Where are you from? I am going into Highschool.

Yeah I heard that the baby story had been exagerated but whether it's one girl or a hundred these are people that aren't ready to have kids, it's just kinda depressing that these people can have kids because in the end its the kids that suffer.

And I wouldn't worry about empty words and what not, what Shakespeare doesn't know what won't hurt him.

Uh!  That wasn't nice of him to say at all!  Way to burst your bubble, eh?  At least he coulda said something positive like...

You're going to KEEP that kilo off and then lose some more :-)
-Alisha-

Why not sell your bead goods on ebay?

If you make pancakes, then you will want a light main/side dish, preferably low on starches.  I would recommend baked haddock, mushrooms cooked in butter and white wine, and a steamed vegetable or small side salad.

Everyone has things about themselves that they dislike, but few will admit them; especially the bad ones.  Often, acknowledging the problem is not enough.  Developing the willpower to do anything about it is neigh impossible.  I wish you luck!

depression is a bitach and if ur able to see ur blessings, that it make it much better i belive.
im rly glad that they didnt need to pump ur stomach.
feel beter please
i wish u the best of luck
take care of yourself and do things that make you happy
Sammi

RYC: that story did make sense. it both made me cry and smile. thank you. the situation sucks, and it won't completely set until the funeal. there's a long road ahead with this one.

You are right, we all need to count our blessings.  sometimes it's hard to see the light in the dark tunnel we all travel down, but what we need to realize is how precious life really is.

take care. and thank you!

good luck!

i felt like that with my old job.

i love my new job but it was a big step to make cause i hate meetin new people and stuff.

but now i just feel all the effort of looking and finding and being confident paid of!!

Lovess

Hellarockstar!

hey me too!! ah i love the beach.
i really want to live by one someday..
or travel to one all the time at least!
hah yeah i only have lakes around me...
they aren't as fun.

thanks for your comment

but i just feel fat and awful.

i actually collapsed crying.

im a failiure.

idk what i can do anymore.

Hellarockstar!

Im glad it helped lol

And I always have days where I want to have me time when ive got something planned. The days im doing nothing is when I want to be out lol

I think everyone does

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

im going tos tudy secondary education, mathematics. haha iw anan be a math teacher lol.
newho...i had a horrible friday the 13 lol. but you can still ahve your me time when he's there. just tell him wahts up and im sure he'd understand. take care adn have fun with ur weekend ur have fun at the airforce meuseum i doubt ur get outta it hehe!
Sammi

i added you:) keep readin

[lildarkshadow]

Hey! You said you were adding me to your favorites and I appreciated it but I JUST switched back to my old account.

So find me :)

author name : KeepMySecrets

hey!

thanks for the comment! lol, i know it really seems weird that a straight, 17-year-old boy would keep an online diary, but.. i dunno, i just like to write! and my friend told me about this site she was on, mydeardiary, where people could comment on your entries and give you feedback and stuff.

it just seemed like a good idea. to have a place where i could rant and yell as much as much as i wanted and maybe even get some help sorting out the problems that i'm too close to figure out. (i got some fantastic advice about my crush on my best friend, which my mouth then promptly ignored and spat it out anyway..)

but yeah, i know what you're saying!  thanks for the fave, i'll add you to mine. and i hope you're progressing on the getting-out-of-the-bad-mood thing!

- S

Thankyou for your comment.

I'm glad you told me, i just hope i can be healthy one day...

but i guess i just want thin more.

Your so strong.

Keep it up

Lovess

Hellarockstar!

Hey, that's very cool that you're from SA, I've always wanted to go there! I actually got the name from the book The Power of One that is set in SA, they mentioned the word 'skattebol' and that it meant 'fluffy ball' and I thought it was adorable without being overtly cute.

We used a trick to get my dog to shut up because she's one of those annoying yappy ones, we popped a balloon around her when she was a little puppy and ever since she's been terrified of balloons, so when she won't shut up we just blow up a balloon and put it by the window, lol.

[skattebol]

I know what you mean about wanting to be a kid again lol...

and i ALWAYS fail at parties :/

good luck :)

Lovess

Hellarockstar!

Hey -

What you said makes sense. I feel like I have nothing to look up to my parents for. My siblings suck, inclusive of my sister who I love more than anything. My Mum's family are all literally mental, and Dad's side are all insanely jealous of the kids in my family because we are educated (keep in mind that it costs nothing to go to uni here, you go for free, and when you earn over a certain threshold, you must start making repayments to pay off your fees).

So that cancelled out any family members to look up to. When you're 10, you don't know anyone else.

I am not sure who I look up to. I admire Matt's parents, though I am quick to see their flaws. I admire a solicitor who works next door to us, though I think he's boring. I guess it's a combination of people, who I take the best of.

Ash

Hey -

I agree, GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm pleased to hear it. My life theory is that if you don't like your life, then go and FIX IT. Change anything that doesn't work, figure out how to make it better. Nothing will change while you sit on your butt feeling bad about it.

(Now, think about how often I contradict my own life theory.. LOL)

Seriously, I think this is great. It could be a whole new start for you! Imagine the possibilities!

Ash

Good for you. I wish you well in your job search.

kitties are soooo cute and cuddly!! i want a kitty.  a kitty would make me happy!!

my vote? keep him ur secret cat! they are very good at detecting when you aren't feeling yourself.

loved this entry. nice to know little things that we may not hear about in everyday journaling.

i am soooo much like you in the sense that i write at work, and it really is the only thing that keeps me sane.  my bf can read my diary (he has my password), but it doesn't keep me from writing how i feel.

if ever my work banned this site, i would be at a loss. its hard to write my enteries on my phone. haha.

no, ur comment is what i wodl probly say to someone else. its just hard. its like everytime i try to do somthing about it ig et shot down and what not. im just done trying i guess. idk.

[raspberrycola]

i took std tests at planned parenthood. tahts as far as im willing to go right now. and i told my friend thats why i wish she were more supportive. and idk wht to do...

hopefully soon you can get more free time. take care of yourself and hopefully you wil feel better. sammi

first off, i belive that a diet is not always the answer. and second off, if you start having a more positive attitude than maybe you can start to liek uself. not one person in this world is perfect and im sure 99% of people dont like themseflves. but everyone has something graet that they love about themselves. im probly not making nesense. if you diet, diet healthy and you will start liking yourself and being proud of yourself and than you will ultimatly be happier and healthier

 as i sit here and read off what you don't like about yourself, my list is IDENTICAL to yours!!! lol. seriously, you should see my desk. HOLY CRAP!!!!! If we had a contest at work as to whose is the messiest, i would TOTALLY win, hands down!! (at least there isn't anything growing anywhere on it. lol). And procrastination? my biggest issue is that right there.  I don't exercize and am lazy, and since moving out, my diet has gone down the s.h.i.t.t.e.r. haha...

As far as dinner goes, screw the main, and have JUST dessert!! No seriously.. no, im not. I'm sure whatever you make will be yummy!!! (ps, im coming over for dinner too-hehe)

RYC: I think i am going to talk to justin about a "no electronics" night.  It would be so very nice to do that, one night a week.  Preferably the night that my ex ACTUALLY takes my son. But that, i think, is the best idea i have heard.  so THANK YOU!!!!

Take care, have a great weekend, and stick to those plans!!

**hugs**

Hey -

My list is the same as yours - but my desk is always very clean. It is a mess in the morning when I make my 'to do' pile, and as I work through it, it becomes cleaner and cleaner.

Ash

you're such a sweetheart, THANK YOU!!! i wouldn't wish the pain on anyone though. especially you! You are just getting out of your funk, you don't need anymore!! hehe.

i'll be okay.

Hey -

Don't feel bad. I have had health problems as well, and hoped for a solid outcome, a REASON for me feeling this way. I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome - likely to have been caused by my stress levels. Wahoo. Now I am diagnosed with a bad B12 deficiency but my GP won't prescribe me injections - I do not absorb the B12 through my stomach, so pills are ineffective, so is food.

I have been to two GP's, and I am reluctant to go to a whole new one, because I don't want to seem like a hypochondriac. But my body is not right, I feel terrible, exhausted, my bones literally ache... I also am reluctant to see another doctor who will simply start with yet another blood test, which is costing me a fortune.

I am very glad, however, that you don't have any neurological problems. Very.

I know you love Jace, but does HE really want to make YOU really really happy? That's the hard thing. I want Matt to be happy, just as much as you wish for Jace to be happy. But Matt makes nil efforts to ensure my own happiness, so I give up very quickly.

Ash

You are not a bad person for thinking that. Naturally you wanted more of a diagnosis.

I had quite a few fainting spells.

Went to the ER a couple times and each time I was "dehyrdrated"

AAWWWWW COME ON!!!! ALL THE MONEY BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET ENOUGH TO DRINK???!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

It's  like you want it to be worse! Come on' Doc, not even a little brain tumor?

However, I'm sure its opposite for the people who actually have this fatal disease. Which is very sad.

Anyways, I am sorry to hear you are stressed. Maybe breathing or do yoga!! Netflix has some yoga dvds you could rent. Or anywhere else for that matter. Perhaps you could hire a housekeeper for the work.

They dont have to be expensive!! Craigslist offers jobs and such and the Internet displays a wide varitey of helpful tools. Along with tips to de-stress your life. I myself go watch something funny (YouTube is awfully helpful), MEDITATE, or go jogging.

Live a long and healthy life! And dont cry over spilled milk.

good luck with the appointment! i hate doctors, so i can imagine a little bit, how scared you must be!!! i almost passed out at the dentist's today.. haha..

let us know! **HUGS**

Hey -

I hope your appointment goes well.  I can't even imagine how scared you are.  I'm sure everything will be just fine, though.  That's too bad that Jason won't go with you.  I'd go with ya if I were there!  Lol.

Good luck at the appointment... I hope you find out what's wrong!
-Alisha-

Hey...

I guess I'm lucky.  Shawn (my husband) is such a sweetie.  He takes care of me, despite all the things I've put him through.  I was reading back on a couple entries of yours I missed and that's messed up that he called you fat and lazy...  When I hear of guys treating their significant others that way (my friend has a boyfriend - oddly, his name is Jason as well - and he treats her terribly) I just can't stand it.  I've been in abusive relationships before and it just isn't fair to you.

Are you sure he's worth sticking around for?
-Alisha-

Hey -

I feel unappreciated often, also. It's not a nice feeling. For me it's little things like how I make sure I neaten the house before he gets home, because it's nice to come home to a clean, fresh smelling house. When I get home there are dirty dishes everywhere and mess.

I wash the clothes carefully, iron and fold neatly. He throws it all in together then leaves it in the basket.

I suppose these are poor examples, just boys being boys. But these are things that mean a lot to me, and he knows that, but won't take the little extra step.

I'm scared of the scale. When I am depressed I eat a TON, and as you would already know, I haven't felt great myself either.

Ash